Awake
by deja'vu88
Summary: Jess is gone and Sam doesnt know how to move on. How do you pick up the pieces of a shattered life? How can he continue living knowing he could have saved her?   Set in the weeks after Jess's death


**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural/Sam/Dean/Impala, Kripke does and putting them at the top of my birthday list does not guarantee I'll get them…..or so my mother says.**

**Summary: Jess is gone and Sam doesnt know how to move on. How do you pick up the pieces of a shattered life? How do you live with the knowledge that you could have saved them?**

**Set in the weeks after Jess's death**

**Awake**

**Chapter One: I'm Alive But Tell Me Can I Breathe**

It had been one week.

He knew it took years for people with aids to die, months for people with cancer.

And yet after not sleeping for one week, he felt as though he was going to die.

It wasn't as though he hadn't been trying; it was just that he couldn't close his eyes without seeing the image of Jess on the ceiling screaming, burning and ultimately dying alone.

He knew it had been his fault; that even though he had done his best to protect her at all costs, he couldn't protect when she had needed it the most. He couldn't protect her from the thing that he had tried to leave behind for so many years. He had been responsible for his mother's death and now beautiful, innocent Jess's death had been his fault too. This was why he couldn't sleep.

Some nights he laid there unsure of how he could continue living, other nights he frantically searched the computer for something to hunt but the worst nights of all were when he dozed off for a split second and woke only to find himself back at Stanford, on his bed, Jess on the ceiling, gutted and burning. These were the nights he went out, he never knew where he just had to leave the motel room, and Dean couldn't see him like this.

Dean had been there for him since he could remember; he had pulled him from a fire twice; saved his life twice. He couldn't bring himself to tell Dean how he was feeling, because Sam had always been enough for Dean so why was Dean not enough for Sam? The answer was Jess. She had been there since Sam abandoned the Winchester family some years ago, she had been there without judgement, without question and how did he repay her, he had left her alone to die. No, he couldn't tell Dean because he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he would lose it, he would shatter into a million pieces that despite all that Dean did could not be put back together again.

He felt like shit. He was so exhausted he couldn't even remember what day it was, in fact ever since Jess's death all the days just seemed to blur together, a muddle of "I'm fine Dean" and simple yes/no answers. He deserved it, because although nobody else would believe her death was his fault he guessed that the nightmares were just a way of punishing himself for not having stopped it. He was living in a perpetual state of deja'vu no longer awake, no longer asleep, no longer living, he was numb. He was numb and he was starting to question his sanity, he knew that seeing Jess stading on random street corners was not normal. But for the sake of appearing weak he did not tell Dean he was losing his mind.

The hardest part was convincing Dean he was fine, words could only say so much and he knew that every time Dean looked at him he saw the dark purple rings that had taken up residency under his eyes, the five kilos that had melted from his already too thin frame and the pile of research that had magically been done when both of them were supposedly sleeping. He was not sure whether he wanted Dean to just keep on ignoring him or tell him that everything was going to be okay, he supposed it didn't matter, a heart to heart was not going to magically make him sleep. For once it seemed that Dean's "No chick flick moments" rule had worked on his behalf.

He looked across at Dean sleeping peacefully for the umpteenth time that night, god he had forgotten what sleeping that peacefully felt like. He sat up and walked silently to the bathroom not wanting to wake his older brother and shut the bathroom door behind him. He couldn't help but let out a small gasp as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, not only did he feel like shit but he had to admit to himself that he looked like shit too. His frazzled appearance was not aided by the fact that his head felt like it had just been run over by a semi trailer, aspirin he thought, he needed aspirin and lots of it.

He reached for the nearly full bottle on the counter when it suddenly dawned on him that if he couldn't naturally sleep then hell, he was going to chemically induce it. He didn't notice nor did he care what happened to him staring into the bathroom mirror feeling guilty and ashamed for what he had let happen to Jess. A large handful of aspirin went forcefully put in his mouth followed by a mouthful of water, he swallowed as he felt the familiar burning sensation of tears welling in his eyes, yes he was going to get some sleep. He suddenly started feeling drowsy and kind of dizzy (which after severe insomnia wasn't unusual) as he made his way halfway back to the bed, he glanced back at Dean, wishing that for once in his life he could have the strength that seemed to come so easily to his brother. Turning his head was a mistake as he lost his equilibrium and swayed unnaturally to the floor. He had lost the battle to stay awake as he welcomed the blackness which awaited him on the motel floor.

His last thought before unconsciousness was that even if Jess couldn't forgive him, maybe, just maybe Dean could.

**TBC…. **

**There will be Dean in the next chapter, I promise. **

**Hope you liked it please, please, please review **

**xxxx**


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